The (not so real) FF Versus XIII Nomura interview

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Or at least the way I think Mr. Nomura would (NOT) answer to some of my questions.

(Original official transcripti from my brain, made by a very good looking 60 year old gorgon.)

Mr. Rant (MR).- So, about what you said to Famitsu magazine in your latest interview: are you truly considering to enter 'full production' stage of Versus soon? Are you sure of this decision? I think after JUST six years since the original Fabula Nova Crystallis reveal, you might not be ready to even consider full production, no sir. I've got an idea, what about waiting.. gee.. I don't know... MAYBE UNTIL THE NEXT BLOODY ICE AGE!!!??


(Not) Nomura (NN).- You are soooo totally completely 100% O-righty kiddo, we may just wait a little longer to be sure.


MR.- Now, on to creatures and summons. We (FF fans) really think the lesbionic bike-sisters (a.k.a. FFXIII's Shiva) should be included in a revamped desing in Versus, you know, some cool bike for Noctis, he's a prince, he deserves the best. Also a new way to show some of the other classic summons would be awesome, you know like, some creepy Ifrit and a cool looking Bahamut. What can you tell us about them and the summon mechanics?


NN.- Summons? What are you talking about? Those things will be talked about by the staff until we hire some creative designers and that'll be when we start thinking about the main plot and serious things. We don't want to rush the develpoment of the game, remember that Atari's E.T. EPIC FAIL? We are being careful and thorough, that's why six years have been wasted invested in long meetings of how-to create pretty pink flowers and THROWING TO THE TRASH CAN OUR GREAT-KICKASS ILUMINATION SOFTWARE TO DEVELOP A BETTER ONE THAT'LL WE TAKE A DUMP ON NEXT YEAR AND RE-DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN because it'll be too old for us (again). On the lesbionic Shiva matter, and cool stuff for Noctis, that is why we are giving him a cell phone, come on, gadgets should appear in the game, maybe we don't know what this'll be about, but we sure gave Noctis a cell phone to take pics and fill your HDD with nonesense crap within the game because, let's admit it, that is what YOU want from an RPG.


MR.- Are you freaking kidding me? Have you seen the Frostbite 2 engine capabilities? It looks REAL enough. Understand us, we want a good-ol revamped-Soraished fighting style Noctis Caelum NOW and not a damn piece of art (well we do but come on... over six years already?) by 2015's PS4 announcement (which will cost around 799,000 bottle caps).


NN.- Frostbite is not enough for us, because, RPG-ers don't want great plots, oh no, what they want is believable hair in real time cut scenes and pretty clouds.


MR.- O.ô... (Mumbling) That is SO not what we talk about when we mention Cloud.... but that's what we should expect to get from a guy who create this characters and this SO realistic names. (finished mumbling) Anyway, Where do you stand on a Dissidia tridecim discussion? A game in which Noctis appears together with KH guys and more?


NN.- That will happen for sure


MR.- ★.★ really...?


NN.- No, I'm trolling you, LULZ...


MR.- ¬¬


NN.- ...


MR.- Finally, when should we expect KH III?, maybe after DreamDropDistance?


NN.- Hell no. We plan to exploit the franchise with a lot of nonsense like toys and ill-named games that tell you the same stories over and over again (KH 837583 days and KHDDD) until every KH fan becomes an emo boygirl and kill themselves until just 3 or 4 survive and then we'll make KH for those few. You gotta understand THAT is what being a hardcore gamer is: being able to wait for your favourite game for years without turning into an emo. On a side not, we will be saving an endangered species by doing this... emos are almost gone... some day we'll miss that hair, that's why Noctis, Cloud, Lightning and all my zipper-filled characters look like that, we support a cause above everything.


MR.- Thank you for your time Mr. Nomura, and thank you for giving killing all hope for me of seeing Versus in the near future. Oh and by the way, please do not ruin Versus by doing this.


NN.- My pleasure.

X_X

For every n00b out there, this is obviously intended to be a joke, I'm a fan of FF and Nomura's job and this originated in a conversation with a friend who, like me, is waiting desperately for FFvsXIII. And no, no rage agains emos, for a time I was close to becoming one.